Restaurant review: The Yanks are coming

Jukebox American Diner, Turturelelor 11, tel. 021 323 7084

So what is the safest job in the world, a job where it is impossible to screw up? Well, it has to be the job of stacking supermarket shelves. After all, the worst mistake you could make would be placing one tin upside down! And it is the same with restaurants.

Michael Barclay

For the safest restaurant to own would be an American-style diner. Again and after all, you know in advance what the menu will be, and given that it is simple and authentic, how could they possibly screw up? It’s impossible, or almost.

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So what we have with the Jukebox is the first all-American diner, serving honest all-American comfort food. It’s a wonder that nobody has done this before in Bucharest. Situated just off the fountains in Unirii, you enter a ’shack’ with a small terrace. The shack is the restaurant, and as you walk through it, it ‘morphs’ into a cavernous dance club with live music in the evening.

So let’s look at the utterly predictable menu. This is strictly for the young Lipscani crowd rather than the fiti people of Herastrau and the ‘Bucharest beach’ walk of Radu Beller. So leave the Bentley at home and dress down when you come here.

There are no surprises, other than the fact that as you will see, what we had was exceptionally good. So, there were four salads priced at RON 13 lei, Greek, tuna, Caesar and vegetarian. No surprises there. Then there were grills such as eight buffalo wings in a spicy coating for a mere RON 12. But we went to town on this section starting with piquant spare ribs at RON 20. This was a ‘baby back’ of four ribs of smoked pork which had correctly been boiled and it was great. It was accompanied by a perfect sweet and spicy house-made sauce.

You may think four ribs is small, and in the USA it would be. But the USA is the world’s capital of obesity where being a female fat-arsed tub of lard, or a male gut-bucket slob is considered to be perfectly normal. These physical aberrations are due entirely to the American obsession with over-eating whale-sized portions. The House wisely serves smaller, standard European sized portions which thankfully keeps us European men looking as slim and fit as Greek Gods, and European women looking as beautiful as Aphrodite incarnate.

So we followed with a cheeseburger, which was the same size and price as a Mac Muck, but twice as tasty. Off to a chicken satay. However, having tasted the sauce on my spare ribs, I expected a similar pleasant surprise with my satay sauce. And I got it! I suspect the kitchen may have purposely left a few lumps of peanuts not entirely creamed by the blender just to prove it was house made. No matter, it was good. Peanuts blended with cream and coconut milk and as good as it gets.

Away to a chicken fajita. This was a tortilla wrap with moist chicken and a few vegetables fried in a tomato based sauce. It was accompanied by a side of fresh tomato salsa. But the salsa cried out to be spiced up with hot jalapeno peppers. And this means the sliced pickled American variety of jalapenos which they did not have. So jump to it House and get some!

There was a pizza section priced around RON 18 which was comprised of: Margarita, Capricciosa, Diavola, Tuna and Calzone. I shall not patronize you with a description of these as you know exactly what they are. But I just had to have their premium pizza topped with Parmesan, Gorgonzola, Cheddar, olives and tuna. The waitress said it came on a thick pastry base, but I asked for it to be changed to a thin crust. They did so without complaint. It was perfect, all the more so because I added an extra topping of anchovies. All the usual toppings cost a mere RON 3.

Desserts were: Apple strudel with Blueberry, Waffles with maple topping, Cheesecake with cherry jam and Apple pie with ice cream.

I have purposely refrained from delving into recipes and techniques, for the food is so simple to make. To make it well, all you have to do is use fresh ingredients, imagination and patience; and the House has these three in abundance. I opened by stating that it would be almost impossible for the House to screw up (and they absolutely have not screwed up) but they could improve.

For instance I would like to see genuine American ice cream-based giant milk shakes, together with all-day breakfasts. Above all, they should look at enhancing their decor. The heyday of diners in the USA was the 1950s. They should go ‘total 50s retro’ with their decor, including starting a wild new Romanian fashion trend by decking their staff out in kitschy 50s clothes AND hairstyles. Although they have some pictures of Elvis and Marilyn etc, these are not enough to envelop you in ‘retro feel’. They need artifacts which they should start collecting now.

The food is good, the prices are correct, and they even have a take-away delivery service. What could be better?

Mab.media@dnt.ro